Hey, Mindfuls! I’ve been reflecting on work friendships versus trauma-bonding lately. You’ll often hear in the workplace, “we’re all friends here” or even worse, “we’re all like family here”. These types of statements fill me with anxiety and often dread. These blank statements don’t account for toxic environments, gaslighting, and trauma from being othered in the workplace. If you don’t agree with the idea of instant friendship or family narratives with complete strangers, you often become the enemy, but only until your coworkers want to be friends again. The idea that we’re all miserable together or all have to “stick together no matter what” is a form of trauma-bonding. Medical New Today defines trauma-bonding as “a psychological response to abuse. It occurs when the abused person forms an unhealthy bond with the person who abuses them.” The reality is you don’t have to be friends with your co-workers or boss. You can set healthy boundaries and separate yourself from unhealthy patterns. You don’t owe anyone friendship, companionship, time, or energy. Only you can decide what you’re willing to give or withhold.
Identifying trauma-bonding in the workplace:
- Seek help from a mental health professional or therapist.
- Acknowledge and recognize trauma happening in the workplace, especially stories from marginalized folxs and communities.
- Set healthy boundaries (e.g. I will not answer emails after the work day, don’t expect an answer from me until the following day; I will not share my personal life with you, please refrain from asking about my weekends in the future.; There seems to be something we need to discuss based on your statement. Do you have a minute to discuss now or can we plan for a meeting later?)
- Take care of your own needs and support those around you that have proven to be consistently healthy and kind (in their words, actions, and deeds).
Reflective prompts:
- Do I have genuine friendships with my coworkers or am I afraid to rock the boat?
- Do I share more information with my coworkers than I feel comfortable with to avoid being seen as harsh?
- Is my workplace hurting my emotional, physical, or spiritual well-being?
- Is it time for me to find another position based on any of my needs not being met?
Remember, breaking old habits takes time. Forgive yourself in the process of re-learning to care and protect your own needs. Read more about trauma-bonding in the workplace from Shannon Weber here. If you haven’t already, please read Kaetrena Davis Kendrick’s work on low morale in academic (pg.9) and public libraries. You deserve true friendships in the workplace, nurture those that nurture and support you in healthy ways.
Explore genuine relationships and remember to rest.
Mindfully,
Amanda
Mindfulinlis 
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